The Truth Is I Miss Him

We all know that going through the break up stage and getting over someone is one of the most difficult trials to go through. I think it’s especially hard when you are the person who initiated the break up. All kinds of feelings like guilty, overwhelm, freedom, frustrated, etc all arise at the same time. In the end, I still have my doubts that I did the right thing. But things happen for a reason and what’s done is done.

I had that ugly feeling when I realized that it wasn’t going to work the way it should. I won’t get into the problems that we had. But what I will say is that there’s a thin line between giving someone chances and putting your life on hold so they can catch up to your level. Truth is, we should have been at the same level from the beginning. I expect respect, time and attention. We all have certain things going on in our lives but those three should be automatic along with trust. If you lack these things, you lack potential for that relationship that will work.

When I made the decision to break things off, I went into it with a positive light. Maybe we are meant to be together (just not at the moment). Sometimes we have to just let things go in order for them to come back to us. We and I repeat WE need to grow individually before we grow together. I need to work on my relationship with God first among other things. The same for him. I think once we have some time apart to really decide what we want, then we can mature together.

I felt compelled to get my feelings out instead of holding them in and pretending. I miss him. It is what it is. I blocked his number for two reasons. 1. So he couldn’t call me and 2. So I couldn’t call him. I did it for my own sake. I already knew I would either get that urge to call just hear his voice. Or I knew I would call when something happens just out of habit.

They say it’s 21 days to break a habit. I’m not near day 21 at all!

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

Do You Believe in Dreams?

So I had this entirely weird and extremely real dream (or should I say nightmare). Here’s the dream in a nutshell…..I had a dream that my boyfriend was in Illinois and he kept calling me at weird times. It turned out he was dating another girl and was sneaking to call me. She finally called me and confronted me after she found out. The next day she arrived in Indy. After a few words, my best friend and I gave her a mass ass whopping. My boyfriend decided to call the police and the dream was over.

My first instinct was to call him and tell him what happened. His response: Very entertaining dream! Not likely but entertaining! Hope you pray about that in church…. That I did. I didn’t pray about or for the dream. I prayed for us. Maybe the dream was trying to tell me that I need to pray for us more often.

Some of you may say this is a sign that he could be cheating.  Ummm… Not so much. It’s a different view when you trust someone. Trusting in someone also means I don’t go around fishing for information. If he was cheating on me, the truth will eventually come to light at the appropriate time. There’s no need for me to think he is cheating unless he gives me a reason. A dream is not reason enough.

This dream also played me so much out of my character. One, I wouldn’t fight over a guy. I’m not in high school anymore. Now if this happened in high school when I was immature, I could see this happening. However, I have no intentions on fighting any women over a male. If a woman wants to fight over a man, she can sure have him. A man is not worth a fight, a few bruises and a stay in jail cell.

I’m not big on dreams and the meaning of dreams. What I am big on is taking situations like this and using them as opportunities for improvement. So with this dream/nightmare, I take my vow to pray more (not just about us but in general).

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

Breaking Up With A Friend

You ever feel like a good friendship has run its course? You want to continue to be friends but you’ve both grown apart. There are plenty of  other things and people I could be spending my time on. I quickly became fed up with the one sided friendship. However, a part of me wants to continue to be friends just so I can avoid the awkwardness of breaking up with a friend.

Over and over, I rehearsed what to say and how to say it. That dreadful moment passed me by several times. I couldn’t break up with this friend. “Oh shoot this is so heavy on my heart. What should I do?” I asked myself. I wrote down the pros and cons of keeping the relationship versus ending it. Of course there were more cons then pros.

The cons: I was putting in way too much and not getting anything back if any. They became hard to read. My feelings and opinions seemed to not matter anymore. Energy was being wasted because neither of us wanted to admit the real deal. Yep. Pretty much a one sided relationship.

The pros: Just another person to call a friend

So then I had to ask myself, how do I break up with a person I once called a friend? Sending an e-mail or text would be extremely impersonal. I would have to chose the right time and place if we broke up in face to face… Oh how I would dread the reaction and the facial expressions.

I can’t see myself saying “I don’t think this is working out. I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” After deep thought, I couldn’t boil up the nerve to end it. The only logical way is to take it easy. The less phone calls, the less text messages, the less lunch lunch/dinner dates and the less information shared, the easier it is to let go. So the plan is to ease away slowly.

~Am I N-My-Write-Mind?