Brick Wall Of Transparency

So there is definitely an undisclosed reason why some of us are scared to open up to others. Whether it’s friendship or mateship, it’s difficult to open up to others. We always get that same bubbly feeling we get when we start to like someone or that feeling of uneasiness when we haven’t talked to a friend in a while. But what happens when you are letting someone new in? We get scared to let them in and we often never know if they will give us those same feelings.

When we open up to people, we expect them to accept what ever it is we are opening up about. We don’t want judgement, conflict or a disturbance to our relationship. Isn’t the lack of those things the reasons why we are good friends or mates? But because we DON’T want that hinderance, we build these walls up. Then we expect whoever it is that we are trying to open up to, to climb those walls with no help.

Let’s say we do decide to open up… Then we are left anticipating an agonizing wait on what that person thinks.  We all have a fear of the unknown. It’s part of being human. If we believe in God, our only option is praying about it. It’s also our job to allow that light bulb to go off in our heads. If the person receiving your truth is not willing to accept your openness, then guess what? It wasn’t meant for them to receive it.

It’s sure and guaranteed that we take this invisible punch to the throat when someone doesn’t receive us. But it’s a lesson in opening up. Your truthfulness and transparency will either be used with you or against you. Most of the time, people use your pain against you. Your flaws, your past and your stumbles all serve as fuel to those not willing to accept you.

Although we want to be open to everyone, we can’t. Be careful who you open up to! It’s not meant for everyone to know what you’ve been through. Your journey of where you’ve been and where you’re headed is not for everyone. Your story of joy and pain is not meant for everyone to read or listen to.

Most of us will continue to have that brick wall of transparency. Then some of us will learn to take the wall down. It may take us a while because it’s not that easy. I mean it is a brick wall!

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

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Debating With Perception

What a Monday I had. It’s those moments you wake up and know something doesn’t feel right about your day. Your routine is out of whack, you’re running late for work and your morning drive to work is a bit more hostile than normal. But it was an encounter I had this morning that really set the tone for the day.

Have your ever debated with someone only to realize, you were debating with a fool? That would make you even more of a fool right? Well I felt that way this morning. I was trying to prove a point that I became so angry that I almost lost myself and what I stood for. There’s no point in debating when the other party doesn’t want to compromise. Of course everyone wants things to go their way. But no one on either side wants to give in. It’s pretty pointless and a waste of time, breath, energy and words.

I may have put this in a previous post. But I once read “Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is say nothing at all.” I had that light bulb moment after the fact. I should have kept my mouth shut and not responded to the nonsense.

Then there’s that idea of debating with someone who doesn’t respect you or who you don’t respect. Respect is so important that we often disrespect others just trying to prove a point. It’s true that we have to demand respect. But I’m not going to demand it from someone who doesn’t respect themselves.

I had to realize that people’s perception of me is the only weight they have of who I really am. Debating based on perception is a dangerous move. I almost made that move today. It was then I made the conclusion that I shouldn’t have to prove myself based on a mere perception of what they think I am versus who I really am.

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

Is Enough Too Much To Ask?

Thank you to one of my Facebook friends for posting this “I just want someone to see the beauty within me. I want who I am to be enough. I want all that I offer to be sufficient. Is that too much to ask?”

I just told someone that it’s difficult for us to prove our self worth to others. But we shouldn’t have to prove a darn thing to anyone. People only see the outside and don’t really care about how beautiful we truly are. We know who we are. We know what we are capable and we know what we believe. Yet, we have these people from the outside who can’t see it.

In my case, it was an ex. I tried so hard to show him that I was “the one.” He always told me that I was “the one” and that he loved me. But in the end, he never showed it. I’m a believer when you show me. There was just excuse after excuse as to why we couldn’t go to the next step. I was left wondering if I was enough.

It was quite exhausting trying to prove myself. I was tired of waiting for him to see it. I grew weary because I was always unsure. Love isn’t unsure. There should be no doubt if you love me. There should be no doubt if i offer enough.

My constant question to him: Why don’t you show me? Yet, he never did. He just always said it like it was a band-aid to keep me quiet and to hold on just a while longer. My fault came when I allowed him to continue to put the band-aid because I had that one ounce of hope that I actually was the one.

Well, we aren’t together because I wasn’t enough. I learned that although I wasn’t enough for him, I am enough period. He was just blind to see that I offered was more than sufficient. He just wasn’t willing to accept what I offered. This is quite alright. Because with or without him, what I offer is more than sufficient.

So to answer her question… It is not too much to ask. But it is too much to just give away.

~Am I N_MY_WRITE_MIND?

What Silence Taught Me

No phone or social media for two weeks. Now while I felt lost at times without connecting to the world, I was grateful for the withdrawal. I discovered that I allow people and things to dictate what makes me happy. When no one else is around, all I have is God and my notebook.

I think people started to get the point that I didn’t want to be bothered when my phone went to voicemail or when they texted and I didn’t respond. It wasn’t personal toward any specific person. It was toward people in general. You may not be that one person that everyone depends on. But I am. I never realized what a hinderance it was until I took the break. So here’s some observations I made from silence:

1. If people don’t hear from you, they forget how to track you down as they did when they NEEDED something. It just shows that some people only call you when they want something from you. They take that opportunity to talk about you. They tell everyone else how there is something wrong with you but forget that there’s nothing wrong with you when they don’t have a problem accessing you.

2. People use your social media against you. While I didn’t post, there were a few people who almost freaked out because they couldn’t keep tabs on me. So, they took it as me being stuck up in not openly dishing out my life on social media. If you post something political, you’re now labeled as this political weirdo. If you post a bunch of inspirational quotes, you’re labeled as this religious freak. If you post a load of photos with your new boo, you’re too happy. If you don’t post photos with your new boo, you’re labeled as lonely or bitter. You just can’t win.

3. No one truly cares how good you are doing. What they really want to know is how bad you are doing. If it’s not juicy drama or really inappropriate posts, it’s overlooked. Did she break up with her boyfriend? Is she lonely? She’s too angry for me. She’s weird. Who is he messing with? They seem close but he has all these other girls posting on his page so they must not be together. Maybe sometimes, I just had a bad day. That doesn’t mean my life is horrible and your can feed off that.

I’ve taken this a a learning experience in keeping silent in some areas. It seems a little easier to recognize those people who only love you when you can do for them. But it’s a little more difficult to keep a balance between being transparent and giving too much information for leeches to feed on.

~Am I N_MY_WRITE_MIND?