Consistently Inconsistent

I thought I’d share my view on this true life story. There’s a lesson in everything we do.

So let me tell you about this man. He once complained about his girlfriend being inconsistent with her love for him. When telling his version of events, he told everyone that all he wanted was for her to be consistent. “Consistent with what?” We all asked. “She falls in and out of love with me. Its never constant.” He said she asked for too much time and a relationship shouldn’t be based on spending time. His version of love was staying with someone just because you love them, care for them and support them.

I support a lot of people but does that mean I should be in a relationship with all of them? I asked myself as he talked.

This prompted me to do a little investigation. What would make her “inconsistent” as he called it? What I found was the information he’d left out. What he didn’t tell others was that he decided he would love her, talk to her, be her friend and also love her when it was convenient for him. Days would go by with them not speaking or seeing each other. She professed her need to use just a little of his time.

But it didn’t bother him that she wanted was his time. He thought buying gifts would fill that void she had. That wasn’t the problem. She could buy her own things. On occasion he told her he would change. He asked for a little time to get himself together and he would be able to spend as much time as she needed. She labelled him as a repeat offender. Too many times he said things would change and 7 years later they were still in the same position.

Overlooking that small detail caused him to lose her. He blamed her and had a strong hate for her. There came a time when he even tried to win her back. But she became tired of his audio not matching is video and knew things hadn’t changed. There weren’t anymore chances for her to give. She even confessed that she felt stupid that she let it go on for so long. “Putting all your hope in the wrong people is a waste of time. I wasted my time on someone who didn’t even bother to see my hurt. Seven years and he still didn’t even really know me. All because he failed to spend time with me. Total waste.” She said.

The lesson I learned from the both of them: 1.Don’t date someone who doesn’t have time to spare. If they really wanted to spend time with you they would make time.
2. Don’t be a fool in thinking people will change just because they say it. I know it’s cliche but actions really do speak louder than words.

So when someone shows you that they are inconsistent with what they say and do, believe their actions. Don’t hold on to hope for a hopeless. 

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

“You Don’t See What You’re Leaving Behind”

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Much needed by the way. But as I reflect back to what an ex said to me “You’re moving on but you aren’t seeing what you’re leaving behind”. My response was that if in fact I don’t see it then that’s my issue I would have to deal with.

If I was making a mistake by leaving him behind then that would be a mistake I would eventually learn from sooner or later. You know that quote “People come in your life for a reason or season”? I think that fits here. I actually think it was only for a season to teach me a lesson. 

I could have placed all of the blame on him as to why the relationship didn’t work. But instead I took full responsibility in saying if it’s me then its me. I’m the only person that will have to live with a bad decision. The hardest decisions are almost always the best life decisions. 

Instead of creating a problem, I actually created an opportunity. My opportunity to fix what in fact could be wrong with me. I would NEVER say I was perfect and that my life is perfect. But I will say that I thought I gave 100% to someone who only gave me 20%. Simple math. It just didn’t add up. I realized that after years of trying to make it right, it probably shouldn’t have tried so hard for something I knew wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t until I was uninterested that he wanted to work on things. Sorry, he missed the train.

The lesson here is to give 100%. Give your best. If you don’t get 100% back then it just won’t work with such a big gap. I could have been wrong in not giving it another chance. But because I gave 100% and didn’t get anything back, I just didn’t have the time, patience or energy to give one more chance. 

So if I didn’t see what I left behind that’s totally my bad all the way.

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

Unapologetic For Being Selfish

It’s only February and I’ve gone through a lot just in these few weeks. I’ve learned that I’ve put unnecessary time and energy into people and things that just don’t matter. On too many occasions I’ve given excuses based on how others felt.But that’s not how it should be.You just simply can’t make everyone happy. The only person that matters is making yourself happy. I really have to keep that in mind

I’m not in a place where I can help other people the way I want to, but I pay it forward in time, lending an ear and lending a shoulder. But tonight someone made me realize that no matter how much time and attention I give something or someone, I can’t get that back. Wasted time, is just that… WASTED! 

With me trying to work on so many projects, I don’t have time to waist. Every second counts. I can’t afford to respond to irrelevant situations. No point in trying to use the small amount of energy I do have on non sense. Many times I’ve prayed for things to go my way. But the reality is, I’m too focused on making my plan work. I shouldn’t be me working on my plan. It should be me working on God’s plan. 

This is my confession to myself…. It’s not worth the worry. So I’m unapologetic if I let a situation go or if I let someone go. I’m no longer holding on to stragglers. Either get on board or you’ll get left freezing on the bus stop. 

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

Understanding Why People Cheat

This isn’t for every cheating situation, it’s only for some. Although people may think they have valid reasons for cheating, I can not bring myself to say that it is ok. Do you believe in “what you won’t do, someone else will?” For some reason, I do believe this is true. I despise cheating but I do understand when some people step out. The person cheating? Well, I think they are just in search for a missing piece of the puzzle.

Let me explain…If you go searching for something, you will eventually find it. Not matter what you think you are missing in a relationship, there’s always someone who is willing to go above and beyond to satisfy whatever need you are missing. But does that rectify you stepping out? Does this give anyone a reason to cheat? Nah! Not so much.

Let’s say you’ve told your significant other what the issue was and they ignore it. The simply carry on as if it’s not an issue. That’s how some cheating situations start. I believe if they don’t address your concern then someone will come behind them and address that same issue. Definitely not saying it’s right but it happens.

No one is perfect and you will never find someone who will meet 100% of your needs. By the way, if you have met someone who is perfect with no flaws, you might want to run as fast as you can.

So while I understand how it can happen, I just don’t get the real reasoning for stepping out. If you are in a relationship that is missing something so important that you have to step out to get it, my recommendation is that you probably shouldn’t be in that relationship. Find someone who can fulfill your most important needs.

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

The Song Says It All-Back It Up With Actions

I’ve always been a fan of music. It brings a sense of therapeutic relaxation. There have been days when I just pick a certain song or album and my day becomes better. Whether I’m listening to the upbeat jams of rap or R&B or the smooth tick of jazz, I’m always bound to find an instant relief of worry.

Recently an old friend has been sending me songs. Some of which are religious and some secular. The only problem is I cant decipher if its his way of telling me how he feels. I’m a big fan of communication. If this is his way of communicating, I’m not sure I agree. While the music part definitely gets my attention, the lyrics are confusing. Are you sending it because you just like the song? Are you wanting me to critique the musical value? Do you care if I add the song to my collection? Or are you sending me songs because you can’t fully communicate what you really want to say?

The words in songs are so powerful. You could be telling someone how much you love them, how much you hate them or that you simply just want to dance. My problem is that music always curbs my mood. So if you send me a song that is talking about love, I’m going to feel all mushy inside. But I’m also thinking in the back of my head about what it really means.

So if you send me a song, make sure you can back it up with action. Otherwise, it’s just a nice song with nice lyrics and possibly a nice mood!

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

“Oh son, I don’t think I like her”… Meeting The Parents For The First Time

We’ve all seen the movie “Meet The Dockers”. It put such a comedic spin on how awkward it really can be when its that time to meet the parents.

I had the joy of talking with a friend who was nervous about meeting the parents for the first time. Although I know exactly how she feels, I laughed to myself. I remember meeting the mom of an ex. There was a winding spurt of nervousness and a flood of doubtful thoughts. What if she doesn’t like me? What if it becomes awkward because we have nothing to say? 

I knew he was a mama’s boy. But I hadn’t realized how much until after the initial meeting with mom.  Anything she asked, he did. I couldn’t remember a time when he told her no. Needless to say, I tried my best to show her I was best for her son. He’d told her everything about me. The entire night she asked me questions, cracked jokes and I did the same. I thought we’d hit it off. On the way home, I just knew she was going to call him and say how much she liked me…. Oh how wrong I was. I guess the mama’s knows best syndrome kicked in. He kicked me to the curb a few days later.  His mom said she didn’t like me. His unwillingness to make up his own mind, supported the mama’s boy in him. All the thoughts she fed him made me angry at first. Before she had even met me she said had too much going for myself. Then she didn’t like that I didn’t have children and he really needed to find some who already had children because mothers understand children are more important than being happy in a relationship. But I seemed like a really good girl. Just not for him.

Why did she pretend to like me when she really didn’t? I really hope you can picture my stern blank face as you read this…. this really did happen. How embarrassing. The entire time, I’m trying to make her happy because I knew how important she was to him. But that just shows that you can’t make everyone happy. I can’t lie, I was unhappy at first that someone would say that. She tore down a layer of my self confidence. However after careful consideration, I took it as her not wanting to let her son down so hard. Maybe ahe was protect his feelings by saying “you’re not up to her speed” in a nice way….. yeah let’s go with that. Lol.

But I also believed it was a waste of time. If she already had it made up in her mind that she wasn’t going to like me, then he could have spared all of our time. Meeting the parents is a pivitol moment in relationships (or in my case) lack there of. I was myself and being myself was all I had to give. I was glad that he let me go because I was unwilling to put up with mom feeding him thoughts and him not being able to make up his mind.

So while we are extremely nervous and trying our best to make a good impression, some parents have already made up their opinions. Just be yourself becuase that’s all you can give.

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?

Here’s Our Real Issue With Trust

Early morning conversations:

“I feel so dumb and lost. He apologized and said things would be different. I trusted what he said and here I am feeling stupid for believing things will be different.”… My response: Can you trust the situation that this was a lesson learned? He showed you who he was before you even started dating.

Here’s the real issue with this thing called trust. I know this is so cliche. But actions truly speak louder than words. People can’t just go around saying what they will and will not do. It’s a must that they SHOW you… It’s up to you if you want to trust that person again. In my opinion you don’t have to. Once you forgive them you either move on or use it as a lesson.

So someone hurt you. You did what was right and you forgave them. But oh why did they come back and do the same thing they did before? Now you feel humiliated that you forgave them, gave them a second chance and you thought you were doing the right things. What a bummer. It probably feels as if someone slashed a peice of glass across your chest. There’s probably pain along with ache and a feeling of weakness. But it doesn’t have to be.

Remember way back when I encouraged to turn your problems into opportunities? Well this is one of those moments. This is a perfect opportunity to learn about yourself. Here is where you become wiser that the person don’t want to change. You can’t make people change. I too had to learn that people will treat you any ol kind of way until you show them how you should be treated. If they don’t want to be your companion, friend, associate, whatever type of relationship, you can’t make them. The only thing you can do is shine your light and if they are blind to your light then that’s their issue not  yours. If someone is blind, it’s not your handicap. It’s theirs.  You can’t change people…. In her case, she thought she could change him when they started dating. She believed the wrong thing and now blames it on trust.

So we as humans don’t really have trust issues. Our issue is that we put all of our energy, thoughts, money and time into things and people that have continually showed us that they lack worthiness. It’s not necessarily trust where we go wrong. It’s believing that all of the wrong things for us are all right.

~Am I N_My_Write_Mind?